You ever look back at what you used to think and say when you were in “love”?
It’s like an out of body experience? Like who is this deranged lady? Get that girl some reality oof.
Hi you,
If you ever catch me living life to best of my abilities, being happy, and experiencing experiences.
Don’t think it’s because of you.
It’s not because of you. It’s in spite of you.
I’m Glad. - A Poem by Me
I’m glad.
I’m glad we never got married.
Never got to see you on one knee.
And your shoes on your side because you didn’t want them to crease over me.
I’m glad I never wore the inexpensive ring I thought I was worth.
And your hand adorned with the ring you preferred.
I’m glad we didn’t get our own place.
And that room you said you’d take for your own space.
I’m glad.
Yet, somehow. I still feel so sad.
Dear *****,
You know, my psychologist would question why I let myself suffer with you. He’d ask me to explain my reasoning for being too afraid to walk away.
I would try to justify myself by saying I could be mistaken, what if it could get better? What if I’m making a mistake and the situation could have somehow been resolved?
You know what he’d say to me? He’d say, “if you have a bad taste in your mouth, you’d spit it out. Would you look at the spit and wish you had it back in your mouth?”.
I didn’t understand the analogy then. Not in that state of mind. I could not fathom you being like something I just spit out.
But now that I’ve walked away. I can’t imagine myself ever wanting you back. Now that analogy fits seamlessly.
Why would I want something bad back?
You were in every vein of my life love
But today you aren’t
And I want to tell you.
You used to live while I suffered.
Today after breaking free.
I live.
Idk yet if these feelings are lasting..
But right now, I don’t feel love for you anymore
The strange invisible veil like grip you had me in, seems to have disappeared as would a fleeting memory
I willed myself to look at videos and photos of you - try to identify what I felt for you
But again, I found myself feeling distant from you - like looking back at an old memory. I found myself smiling at times but I was able to easily distinguish that I didn’t smile at the thought of you but rather my happiness in your presence at the time
So innocent I was - encircled in a dream like state - no inkling of the disaster to come - couldn’t have even imagined it if I tried
You know what the best part was? How I felt when I looked at your face … was vastly different from how I felt before in your absence
I used to feel anguish and misery at the thought of you - I missed you terribly and my heart would ache for your return
But today and for some time now - when I looked at the pictures and videos - all I could think was - how you were supposed to love me in them .. how I believed you so easily - and how soon I was to know who you were to become
That’s the you I will remember now. That’s the you you’ve always been within.
I guess, I loved someone you never were.
A pity. I can’t imagine being you as you truly are.
What an absolute miserable git you are beneath your skin.
A pity.
Today feels like the saddest I’ve ever been.
It’s not just sad tho. Maybe that’s why it’s the saddest.
It feels depthless. It’s scary and cold. The more I think about it the more it pulls me in.
I keep thinking there has to be a light, I’m sure there is, but right now I’m just sinking in deeper.
I can’t breathe when I realize it won’t let me go. With that thought it grips me in ways I didn’t think it could.
But is it really the saddest? Each time something terrible and traumatic happens and I get through it, somehow someway, I can’t look at it as what it was in that moment. Instead I say, that wasn’t too bad if I got through it.
I want my I got through it moment. But there’s no end in sight.
It’s so hard to describe the pain the sadness carries.
Sometimes it feels like a room filled with screams and wails but no one can hear it.
Sometimes it feels like being stuck in a very very small box, and you’re running out of air.
Sometimes it feels like a fast drop from a rollercoaster.
But all the time, it feels like road rash on my heart.
Will I ever not be sad?
I am trying my lord, so much has changed, so much has been revealed, and so much has been endured. I am trying to survive everyday and be positive about outcomes. But, I can’t lie to you, not you as you see all. I am weak. I wish so hard to believe you’ve had a plan all along, that nothing is hard for you so you solely can make this happen, that you have been hearing me. However, somehow it’s hard to believe that I would receive something my heart truly desires.
Maybe I am not deserving, maybe this is simply your decree, maybe this is a punishment, or maybe I am simply not worth helping.
I am weak. I know you’d be disappointed. I hope you know that I am trying. I believe in you and have tried to put all my blind faith in you. I’ve tried to follow the signs I think I’ve been seeing. But, it’s hard to believe my heart will be saved from breaking. Maybe because, I never thought I’d be in this position but it happened anyway.
Please lord, let the little hope I have grow, let my faith become stronger, please guide me down the right path, and give me the strength to overcome whatever storm is on the way.
And, though I am not deserving yet. I still find myself asking. Please help me my lord. If not you then who? It is only you.